I woke up this morning completely heartbroken and not because you are no longer on earth or because it’s Mother’s Day, or your anniversary death is approaching ——- I JUST REALLY NEED YOU RIGHT NOW. Sometimes I want to unfold and hide completely away from the world. But, you raised me on a different spectrum of vulnerability and fragility, and no matter how much I want to feel in them both – I can’t force myself to stay representing them.
I remember when I was in the 11th grade and I was having friend problems and I was so sad about whatever the situation was, but you came into my room and said…..YOU don’t get to be in this sad space for long because you are a good person, and I didn’t raise you to live in pity. If you did something wrong, forgive yourself, admit your faults and move on. If your friends aren’t mature enough to do the same, then that’s on them, but healing your heart don’t come from others, it comes from yourself LaKendra. You are the only person that can keep that heart together. So, get yourself together and fix it……WHEN YOU SPOKE TO ME FROM A PLACE OF MOTHERLY LOVE, AND EXPERIENCE, I TRUSTED YOUR WORDS WITH MY LIFE because you are exactly right, and this is how you trained me to live.
MOTHER, you did a perfect job ensuring that I was confident, strong, intelligent, secure, loved myself, took no shit from ANYbody, and knew how to take care of myself no matter what obstacles I faced. I read in my journal a conversation we had one day you were really sad and you said, “You are exactly who you need to be LaKendra, and never let anyone tear you down emotionally, spiritually, or physically because I allowed people to do that to me for years and it cost me more mentally than anything. A lot of my poor choices were based on how I allowed others to treat me, and no one really taught me how to mentally and spiritually protect myself like I teach you. You and your brother were the best things that ever happened to my life, and you are the superb make-up of me. I knew when God blessed me with a baby girl, I was going to live to watch you blossom into a beautiful woman, much stronger, knowing, confident, and loving than I could have ever imagined for myself. I knew I was giving another chance to get myself together. You helped me to become a better woman mentally, and spiritually.”
I will never forget that conversation. It was the day you shared all of your heartaches, disappointments, and mistakes you made with loving the wrong people, and self-love. You said…..I vowed to raise you on another spectrum and that YOU DID!
But, right now, I need a different type of guidance and strength, and YOU are the only person on earth that could give it to me. I shouldn’t be forced to search for memories!!!!I am trapped in a space where only Mothers can unlock, and even though you taught me how to get out, I don’t want to come out because I deserve to have YOU here with me RIGHT NOW, and sometimes I just want to unfold and lie in your arms and talk about my heart – the heart YOU helped to create. This complicated heart that sometimes I feel ONLY YOU GET. No matter how far left my conversations could get, you always deciphered my truth and helped with tough choices. I feel lonely for the first time in my life today. Reallyyyyyyy not feeling whatever this is that I am feeling.
I love you Mother and I know that somehow God will allow your energy to comfort me…..it just hasn’t happened YET😣
This too shall pass…………..