Regardless of how I try to erase the memory, it comes back. Why do our minds torment us like this. From the phone call, the planning, the pain, to the spreading of your ashes. I remember it like yesterday.
However, I also remember the night before your death. I slept with you that night – Maximus and I. You wanted us to stay up and watch old movies while you told me your corny old jokes. I laughed until I fell asleep because I was so exhausted but I wanted to make you smile too. You made sure that you left me with great memories – you were perfect at doing that. You knew how to cheer me up and make me feel like I was the only daughter that existed on earth – LOL! At 37 years old, we are playing dress up for fashion shows! Lol!!! Who does that? We did!
You taught me that there’s no such thing as being too old to be youthful, spirited, unique, spontaneous, witty, mysterious, playful, energetic, changing, and sexy. You left me with LIFE. After you became totally disabled to work, you use to say, “I now live vicariously through you,” and now I live vicariously through every good memory I have of you. You left me with so much love to give to others. You were my greatest teacher of what LOVE looks like through struggle, pain, happiness, sickness, and honesty, and I thank you with all of my soul for that. LOVE isn’t always a beautifully painted picture, but it is perfect when people authentically share it.
Everyone LOVED you and still misses you 3 years later. I can hear you crying and laughing because crying to you even meant happiness – Lol! You cried on commercials Mother – smh. I remember when I was in college and you called me balling your eyes out that it scared me to death because I thought something happened. Only to talk about some damn toilet paper commercial with babies floating on clouds, and it reminded you of how you wanted grandkids – LOL! Do you remember that….you kept crying- what have I done to you that you don’t want any children, and finally I said……Mother, I’m only 19 and we both bursted out laughing, and you said and KEEP YOUR DAMN LEGS CLOSED!!! OMG! I CTHU all day because those were the awesome memories you left me with. FUNNY, PURE, CRAZY, and HONEST. I remember when you would wake me up to smelling strawberry incents, Frankie B, pancakes, grits, and bacon, and we would prance around the house and dance until we were tired. You were that type of Mother.
I also remember your darkest moments where I had to comfort you, care for you, and help nurse you back to health. You would thank me because you knew it was a sacrifice for me to sit out of school and put my life on a little hold, but you prepared me to understand unconditional love and I’m glad that I chose you everytime. No Regrets!
I am strong Mother. You raised a beautiful, strong, loving and compassionate woman. Your legacy lives on in both me and brother. He loves you so much, and his pain is different than mine, so send him some love today. I’ve had a little bump in the road here recently, but I see you have been sending me Angel’s to comfort me. Yesterday, Cherese said……Now, what would Joyce say (her slick self-lol) and I immediately heard your voice. Thank you for remaining present with me somehow. Yea, I love her too. You always favored Cherese. But, I will handle this situation with self-love because that’s what you would say, “LaKendra, does this situation bring you pain where it compromises how you feel and see yourself?” ENOUGH said🤐😘
Other than that, I am very happy, and blossoming on 100. I can measure my growth mentally, physically, and spiritually. I’ve only been a little naughty but I’m sure you can see that. Lol!!! Yep, the Apple don’t fall too far from the tree. I strive to live everyday in my truth, and I live everyday to make myself proud, and our family prouder. That is what you and Granny taught me, even though Granny be tripping like she forgot how independently, self-assuring, and go-getting y’all made us. If it wasn’t for her, I would live in another country like we planned to do someday. But, I’m grateful to have her here, so I’m staying. She’s a HOOT!!!
LAST THING…..When you lost your memory in April 2013. It was exactly 25 days, coming out 5 days b4 my birthday, and then dying 5 days after. I prayed and begged God to not allow you to die without knowing your family and with calling me the “beautiful cab driver,” LOL!
He granted my wish. He gave me grace – 25/5/5 just like my birthday 5/5/75 which represents GRACE (the number 5,) and you called me as if we never missed a beat and said…..I hope you are KICKING ASS and TAKING NAMES Smalley because that’s how WE do it. Lol!!! 25 days of coo-coo for cocoa puffs, and these are your 1st words to me and they have stucked with me for 3 years. I am KICKING ASS, AND TAKING NAMES Mother, and crossing it off my list if it’s not aligned with my purpose. You created two precious gemstones, and I know how proud you are of us because we defeated all odds. You said you wanted us to be different and better, and we are.
I think my next book will be titled somewhere along these lines – KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES, what do you think🤔.
Until you decide to overwhelm me again….I’m here. Lol!!@ (our weird sense of humor),